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| Hi SpEaK_in_SyMPathY!
It's been 2291 (wow, that's a big number) days since you joined Xanga… Please support us by trying Xanga Premium - thanks!
Roughly speaking..that's about 6 years.
Incredible. And this is my second account here. My first one has at least a year on it, making the grand total seven years since I started some kind of social networking. From Xanga to MySpace to Facebook and now to google+, it's quite fascinating to see how everything has evolved, and how I, along with hundreds of other millions of people have been at the core. This really makes me wonder just what makes up the core values of my generation - is it something superficial that has been brought on by the proliferation of social networking and mindless television/entertainment, or is there something more?
A friend of mine recently noticed that I had a stray gray hair on my head - given that the rest of my hair is a mass of black, it stuck out quite vividly in my mind as a reminder that I'm starting to move beyond considering myself a 'young-adult'. Despite the fact that I've always thought of myself as especially mature for my age, the reality that I can't turn face and act my age is looming ahead.
With all of this, I wonder just what my generation will accomplish with the uncertain core values mentioned before. It seems that most are all too concerned with basking in the current shade, instead of planting trees for our children to enjoy.
I feel older, and I know I'm getting older. No longer a child, pre-teen or teenager. It's just so ..uncertain
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| I feel like I haven't genuinely laughed in years. Everything right now feels so heavy and unending.
What am I to do? At first I feel like I'll be alright, but then the scale of the work I still have to do hits me. Just when I think I can relax and breathe, I'm plunged below the surface again.
All I can do is to just keep going. At this point I feel more like a machine going through the motions than any human being. Music feels hollow, food does nothing for me, and conversation is meaningless.
Perhaps I'm simply too tired to care anymore. If that's the case, then I've been tired for the past eight years and counting. What a way to eke out an existence, right?
No amount of stress relief will allow me to free myself of the standards I've imposed on myself, only the realization that I've reached where I want to be. Who knows when that will be? But how can I reach it if I don't have my bearings right now?
When can I finally take a deep breath, exhale and have the time to take another?
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| It's been quite a while since my last post, but I can chalk that up to mostly forgetting about this and having zero time to sit back and let my thoughts condense. It seems that what it takes for me to be able to sit back and think clearly is for me to be burdened with so many things that my mind forces itself to retreat and apply an icepack. But don't get me wrong - I love, absolutely love keeping busy. If it's one thing my mind can't stand, it's knowing that there's something out there to do instead of just sitting there. Workout at 7:30AM, followed by work & classes from 9 to 5, then meetings until 9 and finally, maybe cracking open a book around 9:30? I love it. I might be sore all over from constantly working out and a near-zombie from getting only up to 7 hours of sleep a night, but I savor it. Gone are those lazy days where I would compete with friends to see how late we could wake up. Conversely, It's been a long time since I've woken up to the sun as opposed to an alarm clock. All of this has lead to this constant feeling of being burnt-out, like I'm running on empty. Like there's a furnace inside me and I'm feeding it nothing but the ruminants of its previous meal over and over. It's an interesting experiment in thinking that I'm ready to give in but my body hasn't really folded yet. An awesome test of fortitude for myself, both physical and mental. I miss writing like this, and I hope that many, many others feel the same way. It's akin to breathing - you're only going to suffocate if you hold your thoughts in for too long. And, well..looking back on my older posts (something I like to do to continually ground myself in some ways), I'm glad I took the time, however brief to let my mind breathe. | | |
| Well, it's 2010 and the decade has passed us by. An interesting decade, to be sure, but considering the state of affairs, the next decade should prove to be an equally trying and interesting time. 9/11, Iraq, Obama, Michael Jackson, the economy, Madoff and everything in-between have all contributed in making 2000-2009 a decade to remember. In that same way, much has also occurred in my own life - I finished high school and entered college. In fact, I'm beginning my second quarter of college soon..I'm excited to start classes again and re-acquaint myself with dorm life. Home is nice, but it's starting to feel more like a temporary place than anything. I daresay that the roots of wanderlust are settling in my mind.
Over the last few months, I have also rediscovered many old friends via Facebook - I love that I can still reminisce about old times while still discussing the present and future with them. Some of them may not have changed much over the years, but I find that the very reason I was drawn to them remains.
If anything, the hustle and bustle life of college has caused me to become more introspective - after all, my life is speeding up. The next few years of college and (hopefully) med school will be an unintelligible blur as I run my uncertain course that will lead me to whatever future is there. I am eager to reach that point and avoid all of the stress that comes with my goals, but I am also very excited to feel every moment and experience as they come, through the many frustrations and successes.
I think I am becoming a simpler person - I find myself more moved by discovering a new song, artist or album that I enjoy. I find that simply having free time is a luxury I can ill-afford to spend on distractions. I find that I get far too much pleasure out of finding a package from an order on the front porch. Silly, I know, but I'm fine with it - it definitely cuts down on things I need to worry about.
In visiting my Xanga again, I am struck by the posts of my younger self - trite, selfish, and most definitely exaggerated. I remember the insecurities I tried to expel through said posts, and, unfortunately, the reasons for those insecurities. Those times are past, and I shouldn't dwell on those anymore. That being said, I am glad to have my Xanga here to re-read and LQTM as I peruse those posts.
I've changed so much, especially in my own mind over the last few years. Looking back, I could probably never predict where I would be now, only dream. I find that the same is applying to be now as I try to visualize the future, to no avail. The entire world could end in a surprise nuclear war, or tomorrow could occur exactly as it should: hangovers abound as the seeds of New Year's Eve bear their prickly and very painful fruit, and I prepare to return to OSU.
If there's one thing I hate, it's uncertainty. It is a sibilant, stealthy worm that takes residence in my mind and forces me to review all possible paths to be taken. I'd think that after 19 years, I would have some semblance of adaptation to it. I doubt I'll ever get used to uncertainity - I absolutely detest the helplessness it affords me. I feel like a child again, ignorant of the greater world and completely oblivious to the many possibilities surrounding me, and the initiative required to combine those elements into even more uncertainty.
I do hope to learn to live with this uncertainity - after all, I don't have a choice (Uncertainty's got to live with me too, though. Poor thing!) Though I am exceedingly nervous for what the future may hold, I am more excited to see what I will do when the time comes. Here comes 2010, and a far too hectic decade, but I'm ready to take it on.
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| Holy crap, it's been a long time since I've written here. It's a nice place to just let my thoughts flow.
Anyhow, it's been a pretty busy senior year. College applications came and went, and I'm just relieved to be done with that. College is coming up pretty quickly - I really cannot wait.
The summer has been boring so far - going to bed at 2AM and waking up whenever is not all that it's cracked up to be. Hopefully I can get that job in the lab and have something to do and make some money.
In other news, I have found a few of my old elementary school friends, before I left for Dublin - it's so nostalgic, and I don't think I ever realized how much I missed that place and the people there. But it really is nice to be able to find them again; hopefully, I can arrange some kind of get-together and catch up!
It's getting kind of late..ish. I guess this is it for my random blog update.
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